Bad Days

A friend who is struggling to come to terms with the loss of her husband after 60 years of marriage confessed that she has many “bad” days.  This set me thinking about what we mean when we talk of bad days.

Firstly there are the bad weather days.  The days when the wind howls, the temperature plummets and the rain appears to be horizontal.  Our instinct, I think, is to curl up next to a fire with a hot cup of tea and a good book. Dog owners have to brave the weather and I often find that, once I am properly dressed, it is not nearly as bad outside as I thought. A walk in bad weather can be invigorating. Looking through my photos, I realise that I have very few that are taken in bad weather.  However, some taken on holiday when it was cold and wet bring back memories of a happy day despite the rain.  There was a walk through the Yorkshire moors which brought my friend and I, dripping wet, to a cosy pub where we could dry out. A boat trip, with the same friend, to the Isle of Staffa took place in such dense fog that we could not see where we were going.  A group of school children were huddled on the deck under oilskins, looking so thoroughly miserable that we had to smile. As we approached the island, the sun came out and we were able to visit Fingal’s Cave and see the puffins.  Perhaps these examples teach us to embrace bad days.

Then there are those days when you can do nothing with your hair.  This is usually my cue to make an appointment with the hairdresser. However, I remember attending an evening literature class in Cape Town a long time ago.  The flamboyant young lecturer came in one evening wearing a large purple hat.  We must have looked surprised; because she excused herself by saying that it had been a “bad hair” day.  Maybe this example suggests to us that we should pretend that “all is well” and face the day with bravado?

But what about the “bad” days that we experience when we are grieving? Those days when the heart aches and you want to hide away from the world.  It was hard for me to give any words of comfort, because I can only try to imagine what it must feel like to lose someone who has been part of you for all your adult life.  In 2 Corinthians 1 verses 3 and 4 we read that we receive comfort from God in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  But how can I give comfort to someone whose experience is so different from mine?  I was a successful career woman when I met Tom and, in many ways, I retained that independence.  I think that having had my own interests and career has made it easier for me to carry on alone. The best consolation I can give is to be willing to listen and to walk beside someone without attempting to give advice.

How do I cope with “bad” days?  It helps me to do something that takes my mind off myself and, preferably, makes me laugh.  For me, it helps to avoid the company of folk who don’t know or who don’t understand what I am feeling.  A friend who understands, who listens rather than advises, makes the best companion.  I think that one instinctively feels what one can cope with.  It is okay to say “no” to an invitation if you feel it will make you more miserable.   Of course, it is sometimes necessary to give in to the grief and to have a good cry. But one can’t cry all day (can one?) and what do you do once you have dried your tears?  My options are:

• Listen to happy music
• Read a funny book
• Watch a comedy show
• Bake
• Phone a friend

Chatting to my friend made me realise again that we are all different and our experiences of grief are different. Getting together with others who are grieving and sharing what has helped for you may be helpful.  I know that there are various groups around the country – walk and talk groups or “Grief café” coffee mornings.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could all meet up and share our answers to the question “How do you get through a bad day?”  I’m sure that the answers will be as varied as the people in the group.

In “Healing a Spouse’s Grieving Heart”, Alan Wolfelt suggests on page 78 that one should find a grief “Buddy”.  This is someone who is also mourning the death of a partner and who is also in need of a companion in grief.  He says “Make a pact with your grief buddy to call each other whenever one of you needs to talk.  Promise to listen without judgment.  Commit to spending time together.”  I am grateful that I have several special friends that have accompanied me on my journey without us ever having had to formalise the relationship. Without them, life would have been far harder.

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Bad days do not last forever!