What If?
Today (12 June) is the twelfth anniversary of Tom’s death. I was awake early this morning, remembering the early phone call from the hospital informing me of his sudden death. When I went out later into the garden with Suki, I noticed that several purple marsh orchids had popped up in the grass. They used to be a favourite of Tom’s and he would carefully mow around them. He was mowing the afternoon before he died and managed to get the ride-on mower stuck in the mud. The headache that took us to the after-hours doctor and then to the hospital, started soon after he came indoors.
Anniversaries give us time to reflect on the past as well as the present. As I think back over the past twelve years, I realise that I have become involved in activities that I wouldn’t have been able to share with Tom. After bereavement, one is tempted to either withdraw from the world or to embrace any invitation that comes along. I chose the latter option and agreed to join committees. In those early years, I found myself serving on the church’s Vestry and subsequently on the Sacristy team. The former involved many long meetings as we embarked on church restoration projects and set about finding a new rector. The latter commitment became more onerous as the number of sacristans decreased and all the serving ones had various family crises to cope with.
I also found myself on the committee of the Jane Austen Society’s Scottish branch as well as the Royal Society of Scottish Country Dancing’s St Andrews’ branch. From being an ordinary committee member, I then ended up as secretary on the one and membership secretary on the other. With Son’s help, I took on the role of webmaster for one group. All of this is hugely time-consuming and I am doing my best to delegate some of my responsibilities.
If Tom were still alive, we would have been doing things together and I would not have got involved with committees. I would still have indulged in my hobbies, but not to the extent that I now do. We would also not have got another dog after our previous dog, Benji, died. Suki has been my companion for the past eleven years. She makes me go out for daily walks and gives me much joy.
Some of my hobbies
What if Tom hadn’t died and were still alive today? Life would be very much just the two of us. Although Tom liked company, we didn’t really socialise much and didn’t have friends as a couple. I would not have had the circle of friends that I have now. I certainly would not have had the holidays that I have enjoyed with Daughter and special friends.
Below is a small selection of holidays shared with Daughter or friends:
Do I miss Tom? Of course I do! At the same time, life is different but fulfilling and I can honestly say that I am happy.
