Anniversaries

Tom and I got married during the “silly season” on 28 December.   Not only was it between Christmas and New Year, but it was also mid-summer in Cape Town.  Most of my teacher friends got married in December in order to take advantage of the long holidays, but they could plan for earlier in December.  In setting our date, we not only had to consider my holiday, but also Tom’s observing schedule.  Fortunately, my mother was brilliant at organising everything.  She booked the church, the organist, the hall for the reception and got the ladies from her Women’s Agricultural Association to do the catering.  Somehow, she even managed to invite our local reporter, well-known for her flowery articles in the local paper.  I have kept a cutting of her article which still gives me the giggles.  Headlined “A festive event”, she starts by saying “A touch of Christmas magic still seemed to linger in the sunlight as it streamed into the jewelled windows of the Methodist Church and a special Christmas blessing seemed to enfold the quiet couple standing at the altar, bringing a radiance to the golden hair and gentle smile of the slim, white-gowned bride.”  The downside of our chosen date was that we often used to forget our wedding anniversary.  We were often at the seaside enjoying our summer holiday and would forget all about the date.  We never gave each other presents or cards.  If we did remember, we would go out for dinner. 

Since moving to Scotland, Tom’s brother has joined us for Christmas and we would usually be too busy to think about wedding anniversaries.   

For some people anniversaries are important, not only wedding anniversaries but also anniversaries of births and deaths.  Growing up, birthdays were always special, but deaths were not remembered.   I first encountered the concept of the “Year’s Mind” when I joined my church in Scotland and I am pleased that Tom is remembered each year when it is his Year’s Mind.  Is it possible to forget a significant date like that?  Yes, if you are like me. I was with my grandmother when she died and very nearly so when my parents died.  Dad died in May 1988 and Mom in October 1999.  I remember the years because I date it from the ages of my children at the time, but I don’t know the exact date.  My grandmother died in 1982, but I don’t remember the month.  I suppose that it all depends on the tradition that one was brought up in and what one is used to.  I know that my Anglo-Catholic friends will be horrified by this attitude, but I learnt from my mother who always used to say that we should rather give her flowers while she was alive and could enjoy them, than after her death.

Some anniversaries are joyous and others are sad, but they all give us time to remember loved ones as well as events and to contemplate how they affected us.  This year, for the first time, I realised that our wedding anniversary is on the day when the church remembers the “Holy Innocents”.  In the midst of Christmas joy, we remember all the baby boys that were slaughtered by Herod when the Wise Men did not return to him to tell him where to find the baby Jesus.  As I thought about this, I thought that so often our joys are mixed with sorrows.  There is always tragedy and sadness in the world, but there is also goodness and love.  We cannot ignore the one at the expense of the other.  However, despite the misery and gloom that surrounds us, I believe that we have to look for light in the darkness and beauty in the ashes.  I am so glad that the minister who officiated at our wedding chose to focus on the Wise Men and their quest rather than the slaughter of the innocent children. The fact that Tom was an astronomer fitted in well with the theme of Epiphany.

In my work life, I had to be organised, but I’m afraid that I am not good at remembering dates. My mother had a special calendar for anniversaries and made a point of remembering special days.  I tried to follow her example and also have a calendar, but I usually forget to turn it to the right month and, anyway, most of the people on there are no longer alive.  I feel too embarrassed to ask my friends when their birthdays are.  

As a teacher, one’s school life is ruled by timetables and deadlines.  Every day follows a structure and every lesson has to have a structure. I enjoyed planning and I enjoyed compiling the school’s timetable.   It wasn’t an easy task and it gave me many headaches, but it was ever so satisfying when it worked out.  I think that it is this structure that has been missing from my life since I retired.  Of course, the fact that Tom died just as I was about to retire, compounded the problem.  Negotiating grief is unpredictable.  In addition, there are so many things that have to be done that it is impossible to get into any kind of routine.  Since then I have just allowed life to drift along and to do whatever has to be done in the present.  My lack of forward planning was made clear to me when I discovered that I had three clashes of dates in my diary for January 2023.  Fortunately, I have managed to wriggle my way out of it, but it has made me determined to be more organised.  I have now drawn up a weekly timetable for myself that has a definite time slot for all my various interests.  There IS time for everything.  One friend told me last year to block off time for the things I want to do and not to allow other demands to get in the way.  She will be glad to know that that is exactly what I intend to do.  That account of my family history will get written! 

Meanwhile, for those of us in the northern hemisphere, we still have to get through the dark days of winter.  This is the time to look for the light and to see beauty in what surrounds us.   The Christmas message is one of hope:

Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.  See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you.

Isaiah 60: 1.2