Don’t be afraid
Was I afraid of Tom dying? Not really. I pictured us growing old together, enjoying each other’s company. Did we have any warning in advance that Tom was going to die? Well, yes and no. In January 2014, I was reading a passage in Proverbs, when all of a sudden a verse struck me so forcibly, that I made a note of it. In chapter 3:24, 25 it says “You can go to bed without fear, you will lie down and sleep soundly. You need not be afraid of sudden disaster.” It didn’t make any sense to me, but gave me the feeling of assurance that if something bad was to happen, it would be alright. The verse came back to me in a flash at the beginning of May when Tom woke me up at 3 a.m. telling me that he felt strange. He had this sharp pain at the back of his head. My immediate thought was that he was dying. While talking to him, I checked his pulse. I then turned on the bedside lamp to see if he was having a stroke, but apart from being in terrible pain, he was seemed fine. I rang NHS 24 and they sent out an ambulance to check on him. The crew were fabulous and checked him over thoroughly. They couldn’t find anything wrong and went on their way. The next morning, Tom went to see the GP who told him it was “just” a headache and to take paracetamol.
Am I angry that the GP did not send him for further tests? No, because if they had found an aneurysm at the base of the brain, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it and Tom would have spent his last 6 weeks lying in a darkened room, too afraid to do anything. Instead he was able to continue with his research, go away with his walking group and we could have a holiday. This last was my birthday present from Daughter. She had given me a voucher to stay at a B&B in the West of Scotland. It was my half term break and we spent a memorable few days in Kinlochewe. While there, we explored Gairloch and the Applecross Peninsula, walked up Ben Eighe and went on a paddle steamer cruise. We had a marvellous time and the happy memories are etched on my mind. Two weeks later he was dead from a spontaneous subarachnoid haemorrhage from the right posterior inferior cerebellar artery.
Tom and I did not often do things on the spur of the moment, but another memorable holiday occurred two years earlier, also at my half term. I used to draw up the school timetable, and two days before the holiday, I was told that there had been a change to the pupils’ choices and that I would have to redo it all. In order to get it done before the end of term, I envisioned having to work through the holiday. Instead I was told that I could go away and that they would give me time off my teaching when I came back to work on it. So, literally, at the last minute, I booked for us to fly to Orkney. What a wonderful place!! We loved our short holiday there, lapping up all the ancient history sites as well as the friendliness of the people.
One of the few films I remember watching was “Dead Poets Society”, starring Robin Williams. Who will forget “Carpe Diem, sieze the day”? Live every day to the full, make happy memories and don’t waste energy dreading the future. As Jesus said “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34. I have found that whenever I have encountered a crisis, I have been given the strength to carry on. Family and friends have been there to support me, and professionals have been there to advise me. My favourite psalm is Psalm 23. Verse 4 says “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me”.
